Credit to: IMDb
Sir Alexander Dane: I played Richard III.
Fred Kwan: "There were five curtain calls."
Sir Alexander Dane: There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, damn it! Now look at me. Look at me! I won't go out there and say that stupid line one more time!
Gwen DeMarco: I mean, my TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my BOOBS and how they fit into my suit!
Jason Nesmith: Am I too late for Alexander's panic attack?
[Alex hides his face in despair.]
Jason Nesmith: Apparently not.
Jason Nesmith: You WILL go out there.
Sir Alexander Dane: I won't and nothing you say will make me.
Jason Nesmith: The show must go on.
Sir Alexander Dane: ...Damn you.
Gwen DeMarco: You've gotta admit, they really do love him.
Tommy Webber: Yeah, almost as much as he loves himself.
Jason Nesmith: There is no "quantum flux"! There's no "auxiliary"! THERE'S NO GODDAMNED SHIP! You got it?!
Commander Peter Quincy Taggart: As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries out, wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars, we'll be there. This fine ship, this fine crew. Never give up... and never surrender.
[Jason is impressed by the Thermian ship's bridge.]
Jason Nesmith: This is great! Usually it's just cardboard walls in a garage!
[On traveling through space in a pod]
Fred Kwan: That was a hell of a thing.
Fred Kwan: Wow, the floors are so clean!
Gwen DeMarco: Jason, we are actors, not astronauts!
Mathesar: We have enjoyed preparing many of your esoteric dishes. Your Monte Cristo sandwich is a current favorite among the adventurous.
[On the Thermians' worship of the egotistical Jason Nesmith]
Sir Alexander Dane: It's like throwing gasoline on a flame.
Quellek: Are you enjoying your Kep-mok blood ticks, Dr. Lazarus?
Sir Alexander Dane: [disgusted] Just like mother used to make.
Guy Fleegman: I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm just "Crewman Number Six." I'm expendable! I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove how serious the situation is! I've gotta get outta here!
Voice of Computer: Enemy is matching velocity.
Gwen DeMarco: The enemy is matching velocity!
Sir Alexander Dane: We heard it the first time!
Gwen DeMarco: Gosh, I'm doing it. I'm repeating the darn computer!
Gwen DeMarco: I remember that sound. It's a bad sound!
Gwen DeMarco: Look, I have ONE job on this lousy ship. It's STUPID, but I'm gonna do it, OKAY?
[Trying to explain TV to the Thermians.]
Gwen DeMarco: They're not ALL "historical documents." Surely, you don't think Gilligan's Island is a --
[All the Thermians moan in despair]
Mathesar: Those poor people!
Dr. Lazarus: By Grabthar's hammer, you shall be avenged!
[The crew is on a shuttle descending to an alien planet.]
Guy Fleegman: I changed my mind. I wanna go back.
Sir Alexander Dane: After the fuss you made about getting left behind?
Guy Fleegman: Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship, and something is up there, and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy who gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet.
Jason Nesmith: You're not gonna die on the planet, Guy.
Guy Fleegman: I'm not? Then what's my last name?
Jason Nesmith: It's, uh, uh---I don't know.
Guy Fleegman: Nobody knows! Do you know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name, because I'm gonna die five minutes in.
Gwen DeMarco: Guy, you have a last name.
Guy Fleegman: DO I?! DO I?!?! For all you know, I'm "Crewman Number Six"!
Tommy Webber: You know, with all that makeup and stuff, I actually thought you were SMART for a second.
Sir Alexander Dane: Could they be the miners?
Fred Kwan: Sure, they're like three years old.
Sir Alexander Dane: MINERS, not MINORS.
Fred Kwan: You lost me.
Guy Fleegman: Did you guys ever WATCH the show?
Gwen DeMarco: Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy!
Sir Alexander Dane: You're just going to have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?
Jason Nesmith: It's a rock monster. It doesn't have motivation.
Sir Alexander Dane: See, that's your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft!
[Sarris forces Jason to tell Mathesar he's an actor on a TV show]
Jason Nesmith: Mathesar, there's no such person as Captain Taggart. My name is Jason Nesmith. I'm an actor. We're all actors.
Sarris: He doesn't understand. Explain as you would a child.
Jason Nesmith: We, uh, we pretended.
[On Malthesar's blank look.]
Jason Nesmith: We lied.
[Sarris forces Jason to tell Mathesar he's an actor on a TV show.]
Jason Nesmith: I'm not a commander. There's no "National Space Exploration Administration." We don't have a ship.
Mathesar: [looking at TV screen] But there it is...!
Jason Nesmith: [gesturing with his fingers] The ship is that big.
Mathesar: But inside, I see many rooms.
Jason Nesmith: You've seen plywood sets that look like the inside. Our beryllium sphere is... is wire with plaster around it. And our digital conveyor is... it's Christmas tree lights. It's a decoration. It's all fake. Just like me.
Mathesar: But why...?
Jason Nesmith: It's difficult to explain. On our planet, we, uh... we pretend to... to entertain. Mathesar, I am so sorry. God, I am so sorry.
Sir Alexander Dane: Where's the happy ending, Jason? "Never give up, never surrender"?
[After blowing two of Sarris' men out the airlock.]
Fred Kwan: Sorry, I was -- door was a little sticky. Did you see that? I'll get one of my boys up here with a can of WD-40.
[After fake fighting.]
Jason Nesmith: You used to pull your punches!
Sir Alexander Dane: It's "Scene-Stealing Hack," thank you.
Jason Nesmith: "Raving Egomaniac"?
Sir Alexander Dane: Can't think where I got THAT from.
Quellek: I avoided capture by using your Mak'tar stealth haze!
Gwen DeMarco: Ducts? Why is it always ducts?
Guy Fleegman: I'm just a glorified extra, Fred. I'm a dead man anyway. If I'm gonna die, I'd rather go out a hero than a coward.
Fred Kwan: Guy, Guy... maybe you're the plucky comic relief. You ever think about that?
Guy Fleegman: Plucky?
Jason Nesmith: It doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one.
Brandon's Mom: Where are you going with those fireworks?
Brandon: Well, the Protector got super-accelerated coming out of the black hole, and it, like, nailed the atmosphere at Mach 15, which, you guys know, is pretty unstable, obviously, so we're gonna help Laredo guide it on the vox ultra-frequency carrier and use Roman candles for visual confirmation.
Brandon's Mom: Uh, all right, dinner's at seven.
[Brandon exits. Mom turns to a dubious Dad.]
Brandon's Mom: Well, he's outside.
[They've just landed.]
Guy Fleegman: Wait, don't open that! It's an alien planet! Is there air? You don't know!
[The shuttle door opens. Kwan sniffs the air and shrugs.]
Fred Kwan: Seems okay.
Jason Nesmith: Crewman Madison, the mist of this strange planet is filing my head with such thougts...
Gwen DeMarco: [pushing him away] It was cute when I didn't know you.
Gwen DeMarco: Whoever wrote this episode should DIE!
[Reading a tactical display.]
Guy Fleegman: Hey guys, there's a red-thingy moving toward the green-thingy.
Jason Nesmith: What?
Guy Fleegman: Red-thingy moving toward the green-thingy. I think we're the green-thingy.
Sir Alexander Dane: I see you've managed to get your shirt off.
[Gwen and Jason encounter the chompers]
Gwen DeMarco: What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway. No, I mean we shouldn't have to do this, it makes no logical sense, why is it here?
Jason Nesmith: 'Cause it's on the television show!
Gwen DeMarco: Well forget it, I'm not doing it, this episode was badly written!
[Dane, in costume, is participating in a grand opening for a hardware store. He has a disgusted look on his face.]
Sir Alexander Dane: By Grabthar's hammer... what savings.
[When Fred and Larali are kissing on the floor]
Guy Fleegman: Oh *that's* not right!
[Introucing Guy at the convention]
Announcer: It's... another crew member!
[Introducing Alex at the convention]
Announcer: Give him a hand, he's British!
Fred Kwan: It's the simple things in life that you treasure.
Sir Alexander Dane: You broke the ship! You broke the bloody ship!
Jason Nesmith: You know, what I could really use here is a cup holder and some Advil.
Jason Nesmith: Where are you going?
Sir Alexander Dane: To see if there's a pub!